The mind pours into the skull of stone
A transcending track to infinitely roam.
The cerebrospinal fluid hesitates to stay,
Bombarding consciousness in colorful disarray.
Vesicles form enclosing the mind
Anima, quicksand, into a rind,
Instructions flare, a hidden curse
To listen in fear, a query in verse.
Please hop in a vessel and line thy feet,
Straight intact the bones will then cleave
The muscle in two where it swings,
Gentle and sleek among its strings.
The clock struck twelve and all is new,
The knees are sprung with 5 feet 2
No problem now I’ll catch the rest,
The arms a brutal-fisting nest.
Now keep thy problems all lined up
The brain contains some powerful stuff
Asleep thy dreams awaken night
The energy building, a miraculous sight.
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Critiques
The second line of the second stanza I think could have used a little bit of a tweak.. "Anima, quicksand, into the rind".. Instead of the word "the" before rind, using another word might have been better such as "Anima, quicksand, into a rind" might have made it flow a little better and made it not quite as redundant (the line above has the in the exact same spot).
Over all though the poem's imagery was wonderful. I could feel and see everything that you were speaking of within the poem. The flow was very well handled and the energy you built up in it came to a very powerful conclusion.
Why, then, did I ding you on Technique, you may ask? A couple of reasons:
First one was the meter, in stanza three. I'm not sure if it was intentional, but the enjambment between the second and third lines sort of threw off the rhythm. Otherwise, I really enjoyed the meter in this piece.
The second reason I dinged you was that I didn't know where else to stick a ding for a spelling error that you made in the last stanza. Now, it may not have been an error, but even if it wasn't, it did mess with the flow. "Now keep *they* problems all lined up", I think it should be "thy?"
Now that the negative is all out of the way, I'm going to get on to the positive sides of this poem.
Firstly, the imagery is just absolutely wonderful, I really love how concrete and powerful it is. Everything just jumps out, and it really creates a powerful sense of the setting and what is going on in the poem. Now, that being said, I do find that the poem (coming from the view of someone obsessed with victorians) is a tad bit obscure as to what the underlying message is. After a few readings, I did start to pick up on it I think.
Overall, however, your imagery, rhythm, and general style show a great understanding of poetic devices, and thus the impact of the poem on my first reading was incredible. It comes off as being very professional, very profound, and I really enjoyed reading it. Good job!
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