Extraction, living fraction, fractured filthy, flying high Left in somber, sorrow satin, streaming silent, uncrossed sigh Never written, words of wisdom, waken quiet queries be Holden berries, witen cherries, a burning series on the tree Forgotten Mary, mine eyes carry, myths of morrow, tender found Groven greens, a growing scene, gilded waters of healthy ground. |
Author's Comments
idk...
Comments
 I was really in love with this peace reading the first two lines. The alliteration and the rhythym..magical. However, the second half is a little trickier. I don't know, maybe it's just personal preference, but the diction just doesn't appeal to me and it loses some of its flair.
Definitely an interesting read though!  I like it... Complex and simple, as our emotions are as well
-- "In the game of chess you can never let your opponent see your pieces." ~Zapp Brannigan I agree with you there... thanks
 -- While I recognize the necessity for a basis of observed reality - true art lies in a reality that is felt. ~Odilon Redon thats probably because the first two lines came naturally... but also, the first two lines were light hearted whereas the rest of the poem goes into a state of depression and wanting... SO, you're right... the first two lines are the best for MANY reasons. I think I'm going to modify the third line though, I don't particularly care for it, and the 5th line is iffy.
-- While I recognize the necessity for a basis of observed reality - true art lies in a reality that is felt. ~Odilon Redon I changed a significant chunk of it, see how you like it now
 -- While I recognize the necessity for a basis of observed reality - true art lies in a reality that is felt. ~Odilon Redon I just changed the poem significantly... you might like it more or less, please let me know
-- While I recognize the necessity for a basis of observed reality - true art lies in a reality that is felt. ~Odilon Redon I hesitate to tell you to change it more, because I like both versions of it... But consider the number of syllables in all the other lines when you look at the last two. They don't flow quite the same.
I dunno. But even as is I still love it. You have such a gift with expression, rhyme, meter and meaning. I love your poetry, Emmie, and this one's no different. -- "In the game of chess you can never let your opponent see your pieces." ~Zapp Brannigan hey thanks
I hesitate to change the last line, but, I might. probably will actually. There wasn't anything concrete about this poem to begin with haha-- While I recognize the necessity for a basis of observed reality - true art lies in a reality that is felt. ~Odilon Redon It's the last two lines and how they fit with the rest of the poem as a whole... The last two fit together well, but they don't fit with the rest of it...
But yeah, you still freaking rule. -- "In the game of chess you can never let your opponent see your pieces." ~Zapp Brannigan I changed it again... I'm gonna stop bugging you though
 -- While I recognize the necessity for a basis of observed reality - true art lies in a reality that is felt. ~Odilon Redon |
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Critiques
I have no idea what it means. But I love it.
Alright, as is my loverly tradition, I am going to start with 'zeh negative' as we say in 'zeh biz' (whatever that might be).
First off: It is a bit obscure as to what you're trying to say. To be fair, all those greats of Spoken Word are famously obscure about what they're trying to say. With the exception of Earl Birney. But he wasn't a spoken word poet, he was just a modernist, and modernists tend to be obscure too.
Moving on!
I have issues with the word "Beholden'. Most of your feet go 'soft-soft-strong, soft-soft-strong', but Beholden jarred me as it came off as "strong-soft-soft strong" which just sort of threw me off.
Otherwise, I love the meter in this piece. It just rolls along beautifuly and I can't find any way to complain about that. While 'jarring' effects like in 'beholden' are not necessarily bad, they're generally better when there's a major shift in the text as well, which I just didn't get from that line with the berries.
Also, the line segment "gild the waters of healthy ground" felt too long, and I think dropping 'the' might help there?
The length definately strengthens the impact of this piece, but I'd have felt better about it if there was a more obvious message being told.
Overall, this was an excellent piece and certainly of the level and quality I've come to expect from you!
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